The straw that broke the camels back

I have given a good effort towards something I felt very strongly about. And yesterday I made a hard decision to let go. Honestly not to sound like some sort of diary entry which I don't want it to, I'm interested to see how this turns out for me. No riddles or sugar coating. I'm blogging a milestone. I suppose it's going to either work or work one way or another.

Changes in the wind

Life has been a yoyo of emotion the last two years I fell completely in love with someone, I have had some difficult relationships in my time but this has some serious differences. This was a lifeline and I had ideas of what many different paths the relationship could take. Seems now so all in vain, using something that happens in the past to judge how a relationship is going in the present was his idea of judgement. Seems blind to me. To have someone tell you things that they see for you in the future, and then to push you away for no reason and fighting their feeling for you, seems so confusing to me. I know what it is to love and I would not deny the person I love from being with me if they wished. Can people really just fall out of love without a.second thought? I can't and I can't grasp it .  I've done nothing but wanting to better myself since meeting this person I've completely took control of my life and I owe everything to this person and they are so important to me and poof they just gave up and walked away, without even a conversation about their thoughts. I'm aware when I love which is so rare I invest a lot and that can be quite intense but I'm aware and try my best never to suffocate my significant other and give them freedom, I always try to be the best I can but still have a really bad time in relationships with people and always get my heart broken. I feel lost when out with my peers and look around at the drunken messes around me only looking for a score and I feel am I the only one my age looking for true love?!? What's wrong with wanting to have a partner to fight off the world with? Companion to get old with have children and two fantastic careers! Ah traditions are gone in my generation, this person wanted the same and then just changed like the wind, I'm not a paranoid person but feel now maybe someone gave him something couldn't.  I'm in fear now it could be a long time before I'm ready again to try, or maybe just try find myself, I've spent a lot of time trying to help this person and all his problems are flooding my head and I feel helpless now not to be able to be there for them, even when they weren't there for me. I wish someone understood

Heart strings 💝

I've looked at my crossroads, I think at some point in everyone's life you come to these crossroads, now, I've generally what I would like on one side, and then something I've thought about for over ten years on the other.  now I'm not going to go into too much personal information because it's quite personal but what I'm more interested is the cue and route I should take and whom do I take the right advice from because, believe me!!  The advice varies to the extreme haha!! Who has your best interests at heart? the green jealous eyes of a family member, the not so helpful friend, the using lover, or the one... That is the one, we all have the one!!! but one thing lacks all around.......courage!  the courage to do your own thing to be yourself and tell the one you love completely how you really feel.   to grab them and take control on a whole new level and hope they can grip you too with no fear, the truth is no one actually cares about another human, deep seeded down, but in saying that we love and care for our children mother and lover and really close people who we choose but not just another human even friend, and I know this from the intimate love and attraction  that the rest is superficial, I mean no anger about this I've just felt it because I have had that burn  for one person that life itself has fallen away and not in a total bad way it's truly amazing, and I wonder to fall deeper into that rabbit hole visit the queen of hearts and have some tea :-) we shall see....

May I mention no one will be hurt by my actions air is clear I always breathe better
Xx

And now for something completely different

Lightheartedness is a great possession to have in your personality, I've found over the last few years maybe about seven years or so, I've lacked to ability to be lighthearted, not in saying I don't joke around with friends and such I don't mean that. What I mean it I've just been too serious about everything and its hidden a vast amount of stress in my life. This is something which I began studying when I first heard about this in a career guidance assessment and lecture I thought it ridiculous people make their own stress and why are they so stressed. I thought it was time wasting and I didn't need to pay much attention but after taking a seat back and actually looking at my life I'm a lot more tense and worried then I was even aware. So therein lies the problem how do I fix it and its a lot more complicated then first thought you have to remind your self all the time to let the little things just go.... (Nearly impossible) and my fear is I will become too highly strung to gently loosen this grip I have and how unnoticeable it was is truly scary. I could be ageing myself before my time or even damaging my health. Both mentally and physically. I'm slowly learning that its the quality of friends not quantity, it's all stepping stones and I hope to take them let the little things flow they are tiny, microscopic, learn to laugh and smile just even to yourself not for anyone else's benefit, make time each day for something positive and time to be alone. I'm not fully sure how log this process will take it if I shall just have to keep doing it or will it just become a natural thought process, we will see

Sultry sleepy Sundays

So I read this article the other day about how it is productive and healthy to your development in life to "daydream" about your future or just even to imagine scenarios and paths your life may take, how different situations would work out. I'm sure I am not the only one on the planet that does this but to my own personal admissions, I'm not sure if it is either healthy or productive, That which i am sure it does at some level,  give me certain amount of drive, ideas and motivation. But the downside of this which is coming more to light is disappointment, those without expectation lose nothing but I doubt they gain much either. It's more a carefree outlook on life and seems rather directionless. Definitely not a path for me personally. So finding the strength to overcome this disappointment is hard but by no means impossible you have to step aside and view all the positives there is in your life with a magnified detailed investment and truly love what you have, so I do and what I have so far is amazing I've had experiences beyond people my age and less too in some other ways,  I do love what I have. But my god these daydreams have gotten more and more difficult to achieve and more detailed in ways that I don't yet understand I'm split between my intelligence my instincts and my heart all of which are conflicting! How ridiculous it is to be completely honest, jumbled mess of conflict. I've heard twenty million times from different people that time tells all well tick tock tick tock! Ha and then the saying just go after what ya want well I'm chasing the bus running like a sprinter! So what is left? Completely shut the world out and lead my own path and forgot anyone around maybe just wait to those who are to be there make an chisel the path for themselves into my life ...…

Beans

The stench of coffee and I'm still up, it's one of those intoxicating things the smell of fresh ground coffee I had to go to a tiny shop in town just to have that smell, it makes me happy like the smell of cut grass or the mist after the rain, or the cold off a loved ones jacket, it is a funny sense smell, can bring you right back to a moment one you've shared with someone or not, I have a funny memory of the smell of pine but I won't share that with anyone ;-) but coffee definitely releases the endorphins, there is only one other smell that makes me feel like that and it has no name it cannot be bottled or reproduced and I do not know where to start to explain what it is, but wow. So here I am trying to fill this empty hole in my life that I cannot name with coffee and meh it's not half as decent,  all we can do in times of trial and consideration is remove ourselves experience happiness and choose from there, so all things considered the smell of coffee may fade and reality will sweep in and I will not know what is true what is influenced and is it just the effect of the endorphins, caffeine makes you high, so clouds should pass and it will all be clear from then on right??!? I doubt it and that's problem number one now I doubt always the positive and the upside and now I doubt like a ruined and tragic soul, why does the river not flow

Well day two of my online adventure now maybe I should tell you all a bit more but maybe not so much of my thoughts but my complex situations. I have loved and lost more then once and my first love broke my heart so maybe not it being all bad it has made me very sceptical when it comes to love or so I would think!! Ha ha but others like for example a lot of my female friends seem to think me naive, that deep down to all the shit,the one night stands, the people I've loved that I'm not allowed love for certain reasons, I still believe in true love that somewhere not just one particular person perhaps but that I have somebody out there that no matter what, will stand by me as a partner never to question what am I wearing or where I am going and with whom in any thing but normal interest that can trust me completely to make the right choice and to choose them over money over looks over offers of  crazy one nights of passion or what ever people are blaming there cheating ways on these days!! I want someone to stand and fight off the troubles of this horrible planet and be there to surrender their arms to a hug and visa versa, sit in silence and not feel the need to fill in the gaps and I find myself almost resenting other people for not opening their hearts and the minds to people and being so forth that sometimes we our all vulnerable and we can all be there for each other this world doesn't have to be such a cruel environment. Women criticising other women more and more everyday and this perfect body image being portrayed everyday and men taking no less then almost perfect,, sure if it is acceptable for these women to give out about each other and they are all judgemental of each other are they not handing free passes to men to be shallow?? Though this is even more strange I have no lost limbs I am not what people would now shockingly consider over weight and I am considered pretty, I still have no luck??! In this new society I can not find a mate for life that is serious about life in general! So has things changed so much and I need to move with the times and conform to serial dating, casual sex and dying alone with no family unit just a few children from different fathers, accidents, and maybe a failed marriage or two?? Why do people not strive to fix what is broken and instead to choose to simply move on what the fuck is wrong with hard work and realisation of each other and people's basic needs????!!! apparently that is a ridiculous fairytale???!!! I do not live in a book and I am human so am I so wrong to feel like this?